Season 1 Episode 1

hey, i think growing up is reluctantly a very vulnerable experience that only produces the necessary growth through the acts of documenting that vulnerability. Otherwise I find myself looking back on pictures from a “simpler time” and truly believing those times were similar only because I now remember that time through a fixed 6x8 snapshot lens. Truthfully i’m lonely but not enough to text my friends back and too much so to have a conversation with my mother. Most conversation with her are one-sided and I feel like I am the least interesting person when talking with her. Sometimes just her energy in the house gives my heart palpitations as if she’s to blame. I have therapy tomorrow and i’m going to ask for advice on how to breathe because I think lately i’ve restricted my own depth of inhalation yet I don’t have the stomach to belly breathe. Maybe that is the topic I should actually be talking about in my session.

I don’t want this to be for anyone else, this is for myself. This is simply just a platform I pay for so I might as well utilize it. My notes app is overcrowded and less accountable. Anyway if someone does find themselves reading this please disregard spelling mistakes or grammar impurities or simply the boring nature of pure thought. There likely will be no play on words or high quality language because these are just brain thoughts that get tired of sitting in my mind weighing down my shoulders and making my head sometimes spin on its axis. They are just truths to me that may not be worth remembering but maybe my 90 year old self will disagree. This is sponsored by the relief I feel every time I do get the opportunity to go to therapy (despite not always wanting to go) simply because I get to release thoughts I didn’t even realize were brining me discomfort.

Last week I worked in Gulfport MS. Gulfport has 98% humidity, the kind of weather that you forget about, but feel the second you step off the plane. I’m not sure if it’s relevant to this story but there is a chance of a connection so it’s worth mentioning. I spend my days in the field approximately 10 ish hours outside (thankful for the winter daylight hours for providing a nice little work life balance) and afterwards I go to the gym for an hour or so. It’s hard going to the gym after you’ve been walking around in work boots and sunshine and 98% humidity all day but It’d be harder to deal with the mental stress I’d give myself if I didn’t go. I’ve recently upped my time at the gym since my life style has become a lot more sedentary (work life 👔😕) and my heart muscle has improved so I’ve had to accommodate to the challenge. It’s a weird thing because it’s nice when the gym is easier but a workout should never be easy because then you’re not getting what you need to get out of it. Anyway I noticed towards the end of the last week that my hair smelled musty? Since work ends late and I workout after work I’ve been sleeping more often with wet hair. I washed it but the smell persisted so I wrote it off as hotel hair smell. Fast forward a day and when I arrived home I took a deep cleaning shower in my parents amazing shower (for the hair but also I was rolling in oil all week and felt nasty- the kind of nasty that only being a plane ride away from the nasty can make you feel actually clean), but the smell persist. I’m crazy about this kind of stuff, smells, glitter, anything I can’t solve or make reason of quickly. I decided to go to the gym the follow day and go for a swim because chlorine kills things and i’d been wanting to pick up swimming again and this was a great opportunity to mask the smell. I loved the swim but the chlorine didn’t do much. A couple google searches later and I think I have a fungal infection in my hair shaft. My mom insists she can’t smell it so I am crazy on my own. Me and the heads and shoulders I purchased today and will be using for the foreseeable future. The good thing to come out of it all is that I will be washing my hair more and blow drying it more and therefore adding swimming to my weekly workout rotation. It’s amazing how you can love and hate something so much at the same time as you can with swimming. There is more to be said but i’m finally tired and i’ve been excited to go to bed so maybe I’ll say my more’s for later. Goodnight!