still thinking about failure

I've learned that I can't have what I don't know I want, and what I mean is I'm tired of yearning for lost things that I didn't care enough to ensure I didn't lose. Not knowing you want something is a form of losing it before you even fully have it. It's like failing a placement exam that you weren't aware you needed, let alone that it mattered.

The negative connotation surrounding failure is a learned behavior. Growing up, I failed every spelling test that I ever took. At the time, I didn't understand what failure meant, not to mention the magnitude at which it imprints itself within your remaining life. I failed every spelling test I ever took, and it shows in my self-confidence, my attention to detail, and my high standards towards hard work. Unlike most, I'm not afraid of failure; in fact, I actually seek it out. When I haven't failed, I look for the pieces that I'm missing that say otherwise. I'll twist reality just to show how I could've done better and prove that I didn't. I seem to believe in two-three attempts before satisfaction, if satisfaction is ever achieved. I've failed at over half of the exams I've ever taken in my life, I've failed at relationships, and I've failed at achieving a suitable level of perfection. I'm tired of failing before I've even tried, before I even know if something is worth trying at. I'm so sucked into my pre-determined reality of multiple attempts that I'm not sure if I really, truly try to succeed on the first one. But I'm losing things I shouldn't lose to this subconscious belief that the third time's a charm, and I'm upset with the little girl who is still confusing her b's with her d's.