needing

There is nothing more unattractive than neediness but why is it so wrong to need? Why is it that the rules are so narrow? I as a human, experiencing the human existence- which involves many other humans simultaneously experiencing their own existence is arguably the most rare and precious piece to consciousness. Everything we’ve constructed and developed to form this sense of society is all human. Rooms within buildings, and the walls that enclose those rooms, the door that allows you access in and out of said room, the attached door handle, and the hinges that hold the door to the frame and the frame itself and the screws and every single minuscule detail is so extremely human. Someone designed it, someone approved it, someone designed a space to include it, and someone physically put it together. Every piece to everything in this completely constructed society is so extremely human. Expect that as I live in this society, as I play by the rules and I go to school and I learn and I better myself to be a better contributor to the other people within the community I exist in, and arguably for the entirety of the world, and I drive my car on the right side of the road to keep others (and myself ) safe and I stop at lights and stop signs and roundabouts and I conform to the rules that we have all decided upon to function productively and safely together as one human race- why is it that every decision I make is not only a decision that impacts myself but a decision that will ultimately determine how accepted and positive I am to the contribution of my society as a whole? Why is it that I do these things, with these thoughts, in this world, but yet the act of needing other humans within my existence is so wrong- when my whole conscious existence is based on the mere addition of other humans beyond myself? Why is the act of needing so wrong? Why do I feel less for needing, for wanting, for loving people? Why must I always be okay with existing by myself and for myself and loving myself more than others for the possibility that these people may leave and I may be left to myself? Why is it so disgustingly wrong, embarrassingly wrong, to need someone other than yourself? Because what is the point in being a good person if not to share the intimate good with the existence of others? 

I don’t allow myself to drink coffee because I am scared to form an addiction and what if I was dropped in the middle of the woods one day with nothing and no caffeine and how would I continue on? For the same reason I never wanted to develop a routine habit of washing my face or taking prescription medicine because what if one day, without knowing it becomes that I actually need those things and they will no longer be accessible to me? Why do I live in a state of constant anxiety over needing things, so worried that I could accidentally develop a reliance on anything concrete in my life that I missed myself wholly, completely, and subconsciously needing you? Why did you create such a comfortable place to rest my head, to let my guard down, and why did you tell me you that you’d forever and always love me, if you didn’t actually mean it? Why did you let me think it was okay to need to you- that I was safe to do so, that I shouldn’t be embarrassed, and that everything was going to be okay if I did- when it wasn’t?