“everything going okay over here?”

“a month ago I added “make a list of all the things I hate about you” to my to-do list and every day for the past month I got a reminder that I hadn’t done it yet. The irony is that I think about her constantly but can’t seem to find the time for hate. It’s undeniable that she’s great- so great in fact I’m about a month late to my own I hate you party. Sometimes my brain seems to confuse the words “hate” with “miss”. I find myself often saying “I miss you” when really, of course, I mean “I hate you”. And I forget that when I’d had a draining day, her hugs felt cold and lifeless. She always looked at me with a blank dead stare and only ever smelled like athlete's foot after a 5 mile run.

I wish I could write about anything other than her. I can’t even write an I hate you without making it satirical. I could write a thousand I miss you’s and a million I love you’s but those don’t hold the same truth they once did. I’m stuck in the in-between the feeling of not knowing where to go because it all feels wrong no matter which direction I glance in, but that’s okay because I’ve still got plenty of stuff on my to-do list and sometimes sitting in something is all you can do. I’m tired of pretending I like doing hard things, when comfort is all I really long for- but then again, nothing truly awesome ever comes from a time when you’re comfortable so, yes, it’s great, I’m great, and I think i’ll have another cup of coffee and maybe half a blueberry muffin while you’re at it- please.”