grandma died

This is my first time interacting with a death truly close to me. One that will alter the way my family operates and interacts. I am sad but I feel like the sadness isn’t even touching me. Like I know it’s me that’s sad over there in the corner and I can feel it but it doesn’t feel like it seems it should. I don’t know if I’m doing something wrong here but I feel pretty typical. As if I’m always this sad but now it’s just a different thought cycle than the usual self deprecation. Same sadness just a different explanation. People think I need a break or to grieve but I just think I always feel this way. Just now when I cry I don’t think about myself but I think about my father who lost his mother and his biggest fan in one. My cousin who’s grandma won’t be at her wedding. My brother she won’t see graduate or turn 16 or say goodbye to one last time. That will make me cry, but inside it just feels typical.