love lost relationships

Tonight I’m falling asleep, arms cradled across my chest, on the left side of my bed.

I have a bad relationship with the left side of my bed.

Not as bad as what my parents have with each other, but a comparable second.

I moved home after college to be closer to them (and to save money (though family is important too)).

But, lately I’ve watched my dad slowly come home less and less.

He was gone on the weekends, but so was I, so who even notices that?

and then kind of randomly,

and now the week nights too.

When I was 10 he promised me a trip to the grand canyon for my birthday.

I’m still waiting to take that trip, but lately he’s been marking dates in his calendar to do the things I’m most interested in, together.

I think he’s trying to lock in our relationship so I’m not left behind in the home he eventually doesn’t come back to.

It’s not my dad’s fault, but he’s just more obvious about it all.

My mom remains ambiguous and pleads oblivious.

I’m 22 and sleeping on the left side of my bed and I can’t remember the last time I felt this much like a little kid.

What happens when I fall asleep on the left side of my bed, the bad side of my bed, and I wake up scared?

What if I wake and realize that life isn’t as easy as it seems in the movies?

What if I wake up and realize that the world changes and it’s not always fun change and it’s never bad change, but still it changes?

What if I wake up and I have to accept the change? What if I don’t have a choice but to understand that it’s acceptable to be scared and that sometimes life is just hard and there are parts that aren’t fun and sometimes life changes so much that you pick your head up and you almost don’t recognize it for a second, but it’s true, this really is your life.

I don’t wish it wasn’t, but I wouldn’t mind having a little more love in it.