different pain

I’m looking for a different type of pain, does anyone have one?

I study. I sleep. I go to class. I go to class. I go to class. I go to class. And I go to class. I study. Then I sleep. I work. I go to class. I go to class. I study. I sleep. I go to class. I go to class. I go to class. I go to class. And I go to class. 

I don’t eat. I forget to eat. When I do eat, the food is distasteful. It’s sub-par and over-done. It’s good at the core. Tossed, thrown and transformed until what was a good root, a solid chance, a prospective blossom is just a dead plant. Over buttered, over salted, over cooked and over worked. I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t sad. I can’t remember what it feels like to be sad. To not pick myself apart and validate my self worth only through interactions with other people. “I haven’t seen you in forever”. I go to class and convince myself that I’m crazy. I convince myself that other people hate me. I sit in silence for so long that my classes become my friends. Every problem I get wrong is someone talking behind my back. Every concept I can’t grasp is a back stab. Every failed exam is someone happy that I’m studying and not there with them to ruin their night. I’ve never longed for pain, but I wish a family member would die, or a boyfriend to break up with me, or to be diagnosed with an underlying and life-threatening illness. I wish to feel a different pain. One that is universally justified. Any that is other than the pain I feel now. I’m not asking to be free I’m just sick of this cage.